Current mood:	listless
Current music:	I Grieve - Peter Gabriel

It's been just shy of 24 hours since Fox passed away... 5 hours from now will have been the last time he drew a breath... I'm broken. I spent a lot of time crying today, a lot of time laying there staring at the walls, the windows, the ceiling... I spent hours searching for him on the beach thinking this was all some sick joke & he'd be there. I can't stand silence. I need human interraction & am just going crazy alone. I don't trust myself alone & in complete silence.

I talked to Brette today... She knows where I'm at, she knows just how ill I am. She's been crying with me & dying inside with me... She's just as broken as I am over all of this, but she tends to isolate herself when she's upset... I do too, but right now I just need a voice on the other end of the phone or an IM ring noise or something to keep me together while I go through my day to day struggle.

Kit's dying inside... I can hear it in her voice & see it in how she types. I think she's forgoing food like I am... Sleep too. I keep waking up listening for him as if he'd come home or something.

I can't believe the amount of E-Mails, IMs, & phone calls I've gotten today. I can't believe how many people Fox touched & saved with his patient nature. No one wanted him to die, not even Fox wanted to die... It was just too sudden... It just happened so fast without any real preparation time...

YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DIE! You were supposed to be here forever...

Tomorrow I'm going to take Jezebel out... Work her a little bit since I didn't go today & Linda's been working her more then I have. Fox wanted to see Jeze & I go to APHA Worlds... I swear it here that we'll not only go, we'll win. There's nothing like crying into a horse's neck... or holding a dog when you're really really sad... Mitzie & Cricket came & actually lay down with me instead of being hyperactive nuts. Ogou just... He's not himself... At all.... He loved Fox with all of his heart. Fox is the one who really gave me the inspiration to go out there & not be afraid to show myself off. I even think Bliss has been impacted... This has hit my version of Noah's Ark like a hurricane. A big hurricane.... One that made Katrina look like child's play & I don't think I'll ever recover from the blow.

I'm telling the world right now that I'll never not wear black again. I'll never not wear the necklace he gave me, I'll never not keep him close to me in any way I can. I'll mourn him for the rest of my life...

I've put my fairy aside.... I've started working on a new piece to be dedicated to him... It's just going to be very rough for awhile... Very rough. This piece will not be for sale, but will be given as a gift to Fox's most cherished loved ones in a limited edition mold.

Kit
Brette
Samantha
Kelda
Alex and Ryoan

Will be the owners of the only molds of this scultpure. The original will be placed at Fox's Montana home.

I still.... Don't know where to start or how to begin picking up the pieces.... I'm just.... gone. I don't know who I am anymore... I miss him... I love him...

Goodbye is not forever, my angel.... It's not forever...