| Kelda belba shelda welda... whatever |
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| 08:52pm 05/03/2006 |
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I just got home from the Cracker Barrel... I spent the ENTIRE day laughing my ass off with one of the coolest people around. Steve, her step dad came with her and was joining in on the fun with my parents back at the house. He & my dad just had a blast discussing things apparently. & Kelda & I chilled out with my mom discussing our families & of course Tara got upset when we talked about the stuff she used to do as a kid. It was all in fun though so she just chilled out in the end. Things that happen when you're 10 can't be held against you in your teenage/adult years. Goodness.
First we went off to Grassy Waters & took a bunch of fricken pictures while chilling out on the phone with Britty for awhile. I love Britty. She makes me so very happy inside sometimes. I've decided that over the summer I'm flying out to Vegas to do the intelligent thing & see "Chip n' dales" & "Thunder from Down Under". OH! We saw this decent sized gator & got hit on by this really strange employee that felt the need to come hang out with us because we "looked so happy and smiling-like."
I'm trying to teach Sammy how to "teleport" here from Australia... I think we've decided that "telephone" works better. +winks & snuggles her Sammy+
Anyhoo... I took Kelda out to meet the horses. Jezebel was her usual beautiful self & came over to investigate & stood there just as calm as could be. I think she loves Kelda now since we made a point of having her do "tricks" (such as following us around the paddock) for mints. I also displayed how nice Jeze was by taking her tail & pulling back on it a bit. Jeze just rocked onto her haunches & kept on grazing. She's a good girl. Sometimes I don't know where I'd be without her in my life to cause me grief by spinning on trails, & spooking on the canal trail & landing IN the canal... She swims, so it's all good. But I don't think I'd have her any other way.
Ogou peed on Steve... Just hiked up his leg & let it loose. Well I take that back, it hit the chair but it's obvious what he was going for. Embarrassing.... My silly boy. Mysia was a doll baby. Ling just made us all a little uncomfortable since she's always roaring as she breathes. She's a good little mutt though. I love her.
I told Riley that this was the dawning day of a new era after last night Britty & I decided that we can't dwell in the past anymore... We have to take that step forward even if we fall to our knees trying. I breathed today. I laughed today. I felt good today. There's no more fear or hatred or anything but just a sense of relief & satisfaction. I'm going to work tomorrow with Kelda at around 12. I think I want to go to the beach at night, coming home from work. Just to walk in the sand & in the waves & feel them in the dark because I can. It would be an experience I've left behind a long time ago & I don't fear the dark at the beach.
I drew for the first time in a long time yesterday or the day before or something like that. Time's just mashed into one big ball of snot & decay, but now it's starting to come smooth again by the touch of loving hands. I have my compadres. I have my family, I have those who know the truth & therefore I am happy.
No one can take me down, however this will be the last time I enter something into this journal. Let lies corrupt whatever they must, & trust come to be bretrayed by the ragged hands of some deception of broken faith.
Rock on, my hombres!
Bitch, out. |
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| 10:43am 04/03/2006 |
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.... and so it happened ....
I the end dreams may die and hearts may be broken... But feathers grow back over skinned wings, breaks heal, & we learn to dream new dreams at night.
I almost feel sorry for you Brette,
almost if it wasn't for you doing this to yourself
almost if it wasn't for BretteFucked.jpg
almost if it wasn't for Jim Beam
or weed
or air duster
... almost if it wasn't for all your ferocious fucking lies.
You've become your own worst nightmare; A drunk, a druggie, a cheat, used, and abused
......... Who's the whore now doll face?
Emotionally
Literally
Physically
you are
Did Jimmi like it when you sucked his dick?
Did Brad like it when you let him do you in the ass?
I hope so... I hope the bruises were worth it. I hope each time you threw up was worth it.
Because Fox.... Fox knows every sin you've ever committed against him. Don't you kid yourself.
... Did you think we were stupid?
You're pathetic and now everyone knows your lies.
Hate me.... For you could never hate me more then I hate you. You're the one who's alone now. I have my family to hold me & to love me. I have the kids you wanted to dump while you ran off with Fox's money. & Alex now knows you're not his mother. & Ryoan knows you wanted to let him rot in some foster home. Why should I lie? So I can be like you? You're so fucking wasted half the time you don't know what day it is. The last time you talked to Fox you lied to him about everything. Go suck on another joint, will you? Leave us the fuck alone. &... Leave Lou & Amy alone. They don't deserve to be hounded by the likes of you... Go hang out with Noelle. She got bombed by Berkely & she knows many new tricks she can teach you! Like how to be fucked by 4 guys at once! Yeah... You knew that was happening since it was right outside your door... Wasn't it? The night of your 18th birthday? The night you were supposed to be happy with Fox? Or were you stoned when you called him too? You & your mother should be shot for subjecting Jack & Jace to the drugs & the booze.... What are you trying to do? Ruin they young lives to? They look up to you, love you, they don't know better then to absorb everything you've given them.
You once said that Fox would have to live a lie... You stupid cunt.... He was living a lie for a full year... He was living a lie the moment you go drunk & stoned & fucked Brad after junior prom. You dumb cunt... you dumb... dumb cunt. I hate you.
Enjoy Texas, if you make it that far with the rate you're going.
Ladies and gentleman, behold Brette.... Remember how beautiful she used to be? This is what she is now... Enjoy the freakshow.
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Read 6 - Post |
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| Lights... Camera... Action... |
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| 06:59am 04/03/2006 |
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"The world will be bitter cold some day not too far from now, the sky the colors of the returning Phoenix risen from the ashes pitted in the valley of the sun. Slowly it will fade to white, to pale silver, to pastel flame that makes Heaven beautiful again for the world to see. They come on that day, 5 horses, not 4, & they herald an Apocalypse, but not the end of the Christian world.... They bring forth the dawning era of Strength, Friendship, and Love. They shimmer in their everlasting grace, though dust may mar but 4 of them. They are the elements of my life combined and though I never saw them - save for in my dreams - I know they'll rise from blood, sweat, tears... and grief...."
Fox wrote that not long before my dreams ended. He wrote about 5 horses. People were like horses to him, better then people. I know he's here now, guiding his 5 horses as we step out into that dawn he wrote about. I know it sure as anything, sure as the sun is shining on my fingers as I write this. I'm crying. I'm hurt. I'm scarred for life.
... But I know things now.
I can get better now
I can feel ok now
I can breathe now
I can pick my head up now.
Tattoos don't lie
Big girls... They cry
Darkness falls on us all
& everything happens for a reason
I watched you fly,
But I also watched you fall and burn
Go away, you say?
I'm gone... Bye bye black bird... Bye bye.
You may hate me, but I hate you more.
You may forsake me, but you're already in Hell.
You may think you've won, but you've lost.
Britty.... Kit... Sammy... Dawson... Sean... Nat... Kelda... Lou? I love you all.... More then you can imagine & you... You are my sisters & brothers & I worship the ground you walk on.
I.... I am "Merlin".
& I am bowing out as the sun rises high enough to be considered morning.
... Let the games begin. |
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| D'OH! |
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| 08:26pm 02/03/2006 |
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I believe I'm in the throws of a massive emotional breakdown... I can't be sure, but I think I am and I just can't handle any of the crap being thrown my way anymore. I just can't. It's not working out in my favor and I know it and I'm petrified because I'm made so many lapses of my normally amazing sense of judgment - and they're all in a row. I'm not pleased, I'm not happy at all with the progress my life is supposed to be making.
I got home from work about an hour ago. I come on-line to find out it's going to cost 600$ to move my colt. Lovely. I'd already decided to take the weekend off from work because Linda's leaving to go say hi to Kevin and Kelda's driving down. That takes me out about 300$ right there if I miss both "power days". So I also come home to find out that Kelda's mom apparently thinks I'm some 60 year old man who needs viagra to keep from pissing on his own toes (thank you Kit for that lovely anaology) and I'm being dogged into a corner by this woman PLUS I find out Kelda's step father who was supposed to be traveling with her not only is no longer going to a religious retreat like I was told, but doesn't have a place to stay after I thought we had made that idea concrete last night. I HATE nonsense, I HATE irrational shit, I HATE disorganization. This isn't Kelda's fault, I know this, but I still have so much going on that I can't stop for a second to catch my own breath!
I haven't been sleeping well on top of everything. Why? Because even when I punch off the time clock at the office I come home & I try to figure out ways to make the business pick up again! I'm up ALL NIGHT drafting a new wbesite idea or coming up with some new promotion or seeing if we can get a booth at any of the local art/craft shows or even if we can take some merchandise down to the local dog shows that are held around here. Each time I have a good idea & it's backed by 90% of the working crew the boss lady says "forget that". Fine. Be a bitch to me, just remember that I can walk out at any time. Don't you EVER tell me to "can it" in front of a customer when I'm giving them advice or I swear to God I'll make you look like shit. & I do hope you read this & I do hope you show it to Sue because may I remind you that last season my mother kept that business alive. Sucks now that you no longer have her cash flow, eh? Good. Shut up.
Brette's sick. She's sweet, she's loving, she's caring, but she's sick & when she's sick I'm stressed out because when she's sick she's REALLY sick. There's no such thing as a common sniffle for Brette, it's a full blown fucking virus or something similar. I feel so bad for her. It's killing me to know that she's hurting & I'm stuck here a thousand miles away or so.
I have a fever... I'm dehydrated... I can't eat because I'm so damned busy & now all I want to do is just pretend I don't exist & not deal with any of this.
Like I told Aaron & Stephanie tonight... "Just shoot me, please?" |
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| whatever... |
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| 09:28pm 01/03/2006 |
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I got home from work not too long ago... right around 9 because I stopped at Red's & grabbed a bite to eat with my mom. She decided we needed to stop & talk because she likes to gossip. My boss is one of her friends. Yay. I have to share experiences of the day with her. Woo hoo? Not really. I was more interested in the sweet tea then talking. I'm dehydrated. Very dehyrdrated & the docs say that I need to keep a near constant fluid in take & most of that should be water... like at least a half gallon of water a day.... Yeah right. As if I'll do that. I'd be having to pee all day & I'd never get any work done.
I made a decent sale today. I guess that made me happy, the commission will just be more in my pocket at the end of the week. I can put that towards the new stallion & making him happier when he gets situated where he should be.
Ogou's upset... He's never not eatten before, so now I cooked him dinner & he eats provided I sit with him. Ever since Fox passed away Ogou's been really clingy... He misses him, I know it. Dogs are really sensitive, you know? I've been back at work for 2 days & it takes me out of the house from 11 am until right around 8:30ish pm usually... Ogou seems to be worried that I won't come back. He's EXTREMELY happy to see me almost like he's relieved that I'm back. I swear I saw him sigh in relief or something when I walked in the door. I was told he spent the day laying on the stairs next to the front door just staring at it all day. Poor guy... I'm going in late tomorrow, so I'll take him to the beach or something once I get through calling the vet about the colt. Ogou's a beach boy. He LOVES the sand & splashing. So it's all good... I may tote my camera along or something & I'll just bring him to work with me since the beach is like a block away from the office. Yay for pet friendly job space? Sure.
Linda called. She's excited about the new horse. I'm excited about the new horse. It's all good I guess... Whatever makes everyone else happy. Britty called to to check up on me & see how I was doing... So did Barbara... Kelda called when she knew I was getting off work. I feel special? (insert shrug here)
I guess I'll call Brette in a little while, see how she's doing & stuff... Wait for Kit to come on-line or Riley... or Kelda... Or someone that I can talk to & just cry with.
Sammy's on-line... That makes things a bit better right now...
This is me 7 3/4 days after Hell....
This is me dead
This is me missing you
This is my loving you
This is me trying not to cry all the time
This is me pretending it's all ok
... This is me falling apart the moment I don't have to act for the sake of others |
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| sigh |
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| 10:27pm 28/02/2006 |
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I didn't get to sleep until 8am ish this morning... I was woken up at least 6 times by my mother who never knows when to leave people alone. If I ever get called on my cell phone like that again I swear I'm disconnecting it... & then I had to get up at 11 to be into work by 12. Fun. Work was fine, I guess, I nearly ripped Ines's head off when she screwed up the shipping information on some legal documents. So now they have to be picked up tomorrow instead of delivered tomorrow and time's already running late on that. Brian was amusing... He doesn't know how to be fluent & sound like he knows what he's doing. I guess he's an ok guy, I'd just rather him be an intelligent ok guy... I guess that's asking for too much. Joan was nice today, she kept figuring I couldn't do simple things like work the digitial camera... Pissed me off a bit, but I just don't care anymore.
Got off at 7. Got home by 7:30... Sat on the internet & stared at a few IM boxes for awhile. I feel drained, overly warm, & extremely tired. I ate, but I gave Brian most of my food since I didn't have my dogs anywhere near by to make it seem like I ate. I got Mc D's on the way home & ate half a grilled chicken thing... I wasn't that hungry. I never am anymore.
Work again tomorrow... & I'll just drag through it again... & pretend to be ok. They really seem to buy that crap really easy when I nod & smile when they ask if I'm ok. Let them think what they want... I couldn't care less anymore.
called Brette.... No answer... Left a message... short & sweet....
now I'm going to lie down & just wait for tomorrow to come around. |
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| ... it gets better! |
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| 02:21am 28/02/2006 |
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so now Dawson & Natalia are getting a divorce & she's been cheating on him for a month. She swears she hasn't slept with the guy (yeah no kidding, I'll believe that since she just had a baby) & that she wants a divorce simply because she doesn't love Dawson.
YOU are a fucking moron to give up someone that nice & sweet & caring. I think I've lost respect for you since you're so damned hypocritical.
Whatever... Just more to be upset & depressed about...
Fuck it all. |
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| le sigh... |
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| 01:45am 28/02/2006 |
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... If I pretend to be happy, they're happy.
This I have found out through the course of yesterday! Imagine that. It's so easy to fool people into thinking I'm ok if I throw in a few fake laughs & fail to talk about my problems. It just goes to show that the only peple who really ever knew me aren't around.
I gave Brette her space today, I didn't want to hound her or throw things in her face with my problems. Linda took them like a duck to water when she came and demanded I go out for a ride today. Linda's sweet... I like her a lot. She thinks like I do when it comes to the horses & she has the same attitude I did before everything happened. She got through my community's gate somehow... I think Joe, the guard that was on duty, has a crush on her or something... So does Carmine. It's interesting or at least it would be interesting if I cared. She made me get out of bed, made me go get dressed, made me go to the barn... & Jezebel was a gem under saddle today I guess. She just kept looking around at the horse the girl down the road took to Mike's today. I guess she was just interested, is all.
After that Linda took me to dinner to an all you can eat sushi place... I wasn't hungry, but the food was good & wanton soup is one of my most favorite things in the world when it's salinity doesn't equal that of the ocean's. I had a couple pieces of sushi rolls... I ate a stuffed crab shell, drank water... Watched little Linda pack away a good 4lbs of food (at least). Talked horses... Talked about Fox... went home.
5 hours is what it took to do all that & I never stopped thinking about things for those 5 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do... I'm still lost, I'm still broken.. I'm still just completely ravished by time.
Kelda's coming down on Saturday/Sunday... I guess I'll start cleaning later today so she doesn't encounter the ess my sister makes. At least the office & every room other then those used predominantly by Tara are nice & clean. I guess I'll go out & band up Jezebel's tail tomorrow too so she can have a nice flowing tail for when Kelda comes & puts her Rebel to use. We should get some nice photos...
I cried a lot today... I haven't been on the phone today...
... But I never faked a smile today ...
I didn't have to... Everyone knows what I'm going through... Even though I heard Terry (one of the farriers) talking shit about Fox's death... I don't think he realized I was around until Linda said "You have a really big fucking mouth. She's right here & you still can't keep your yap shut." I don't care. Let them say whatever they want provided they don't say anything about him committing suicide or him ODing on something... Neither is true, both have been heard... I'm sick of rumor & gossip.
I'm sick of Palm Beach in general...
I miss you Fox...
I miss you Brette... |
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| The day when dreaming ends... |
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| 06:14pm 26/02/2006 |
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There is no magic in this world...
Life is not a roleplaying game...
Death is permanent...
A life with a fight is not death...
Confusion is absolute...
My death isn't physical...
I am broken...
I am alone...
I am isolated...
I've been betrayed by people I love...
Everything I care for is being stripped from me...
Why should I still stay here? Why should I still put myself through this? Why do I try? Why do I get my hopes up only to have them dashed against the wall of fucking despair? I tried to fight today to keep something dear to me, I geared up whatever it was that I had left in my reserves & I made my case, but then I fell to my knees with no fire left in me to breathe. I have ashes, ashes falling from a perverse sky. I have memories fading & trying to run from me. I have a sister who absolutely despises me. Yes a sister, not a friend, a sister.
I don't want to be here anymore in this cage of guilt & regret & hate being the cold bars all around me. I don't want to be called a whore or lashed out at or made to feel even more pathetic then I already am. My dreams are gone from me, they've left me to die here just like everyone else has.
I love you. I need you by my side... In hoping & in praying & in pleading.. I've lost you. I've lost both of you. You were both my angels, you were the things keeping me going in life & now I've lost them both. This is my final curtain call. This is my final resolve.
You've lit the fire that burns me at the stake. I am no witch, but you've made me into one so that I feel like one. Put this noose around my neck, hang & burn me. Or nail me to a cross for trying to heal people. I think I'm starting to believe in Jesus & I'm starting to know how he felt when all he got in the end was pain & hate & people fighting over his clothing.
This is me at 24 hours after hope:
... broken
... dead
... crying
... missing both of you
... needing both of you
... losing both of you
Hope is not a sin... Hope is not a sin... Hope is not a sin....
God will give me justice because hope is not a sin! |
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| Today I died... |
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| 04:13pm 26/02/2006 |
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Today I have lost another friend....
She hates me because I tried so hard to do what was right, & in the end I've been savaged for it. I loved him too much to let go of hope, & now I suffer for that sin.
Today I cried....
I don't have anything left to offer or to give or anything except for falling to my knees and begging someone to come back to me, to talk to me, not to leave me, not to hate me. I will never be myself ever again... I will never be alive again. I'm not alive just hiding here, just laying here waiting to die...
Today I died....
I am no longer living. I am no longer living, no longer happy, no longer walking with pride... I've given it up. I am broken, shattered, crushed, demolished, destroyed. Take your jabs at me, call me named... Bring me to Hell faster. You can only live so long physically with a broken heart... Tick tock... Tick tock. That's all I'm hearing now as I stare at my clock wondering when I will finally get to be with him.
Or many I'm not going to go to Hell... Maybe I'm just going to disappear... Maybe there is no Heaven or Hell or God or anything to do with that. I wanted to say goodbye, to hear that he loved me one last time... I didn't even get that.... I won't ever get that... That's my goal, my unfinished business if you believe in that.
I'm so sick of being there for other people... I'm so sick of being shit on time after time after time. I'm sick of being walked on in fear of losing people... but that's all I've got left to do. Walk on me. Shit on me. Kick in the face.
I'm not the person you once knew.... I don't exist anymore... |
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| 72 hours... |
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| 05:45am 25/02/2006 |
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mood:  sad
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I love you Fox... I miss you...
It's been 72 hours since you've left us... To the minute... & I don't know what to do with my life anymore.... You were my everything... You're still my everything... My best friend... My big brother....
This is all so futile... Life... Love... Hope... Despair... Depression... Futile.
Teach me to fly again.... Please. |
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| 01:09am 25/02/2006 |
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mood: depressed
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I spoke to Brette for a little while today/yesterday... 15 minutes or so, really... She was still sad, so was I . Her phone died, she was supposed to call me back, but she didn't. I feel really isolated & scared. I can't eat anything without it coming back up or me sitting there & staring at it & winding up just feeding it to any one of my 6 garbage disposers (aka dogs). I'm not doing ok... At all in any sense of the word or idea behind it. I can't handle this. I'm not strong like people used to think I am & I'm not holding up under this constant weight & pressure. I'm going back & forth between my TV set & my cell phone with Kelda.... She's the only person who's called me aside from Linda & Mike & all Mike wanted was the fucking rent for the show barn. Linda called to say she was uncomfortable going out to the barn because Mike has become an asshole. Yay. More fucking drama for me to contend with. I can't handle this. I've said it before, but I'm gonna repeat it a whole lot more before I'm done with this shell called life.
My tear ducts are bruised & raw... My eyes burn now when I cry & I can't stop... I've been crying in my sleep... I wake up every morning with dried tears attached to my eyelashes & in the corners of my eyes & little lines down my cheeks... This morning my pillow was soaked. I want him here & I can't have him. & I'm so fucking sick of hearing "It'll be ok" & "Time heals everything." Like I told Brette: Time can't heal anything, time can't bring him back. She agreed. Kit agreed. Sammy shut up & admitted that she doesn't know what I'm going through & Kelda sort of sputtered & tried the "yeah..." approach. I love these people, but they're not helping me by feeding me the politically correct line of bullshit that Fox would never have followed. Fox was never politically correct.
Kelda's driving here. Not tonight, not tomorrow... Next week. With her step dad. I don't know how I'm going to handle that or how I'm going to play hostess with someone when all I want to do is rage on into the night with my depression & my tears. I'm a decent person... But when I barely know someone I can be a bit weird towards them. Hell I remember meeting Brette for the same time & thinking "Jesus H. Christ her family is so plastic." when I saw her mom & her standing at the gate at the airport. Perfect family by looks. Beautiful mom who could double for Meg Ryan & Brette's nearly flawless herself. But then I looked deeper & over the course of a nice long stay I saw how wonderful they are. Just goes to show you that first impressions get totalled easily. Fox was like that too... He always made his first assessment & left it to be proven wrong. I miss him. I know I've said that a lot, but I'm going to keep on saying it because it's true.
Dav is coming in on Sunday... He wants to take Fox's body back to England so he can be burried next to his mother & I just... I can't make it to England to go see him so I'm so selfish in that regard. I guess it's better then Fox's original wish... To be cremated... I could handle that. & it was an old wish he never changed or thought to do so... So much has changed since he thought of that idea. Space Services Inc has a progam where they launch a person's ashes into space, though... I don't think I could handle that either, even though it would mean that I could see Fox no matter where I was because the sky is everywhere.
I don't know what to do.... I don't know what to fucking do...
It's taking me awhile to actually write this thing... I keep stopping to talk to Kit... I keep stopping to try & call someone because the silence is deafing & the rain isn't doing anything but frightening me as it falls.
Alex & Ryoan are still hiding in their closet... They only come out for food & drink & to use the rest room. I saw Ryoan out near the TV earlier, but he scooted back into the closet as soon as he saw me... Alex threw something at me when I tried to coax him out of the closet last night.... So I'm just letting them be... I know they'll come around when they're ready to talk & ask questions. But until then there's nothing but hurt & confusion in their eyes.
It hurts not to be able to hold them & console them & explain things away. I don't have anyone to hold & be held by. I don't have anyone who can just soothe my fears away.
... I threw all the alcohol in the house away. Fox hated anything to do with drugs or alcohol after he came out of that stage of his life. He was so wonderful & strong... I miss him so much. I love him so much. I don't know how to repair myself with him so far away in whatever place you go to after you die.
Kit's saying she's going away for awhile... Maybe forever. Fucking yay. One more person leaving me to myself without any hope. One more lose in my life that I can't shed or break free from. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all of this. I can't keep doing this & losing people that are so dear to me. Fine. Whatever. No one's ever stayed... Except for Fox... & I don't expect anyone to stay. There's a thin line keeping me from laying myself out flat on the kitchen floor... A thin... thin line. & slowly it's deteriorating & I'm not so sure I have the strength to hold myself back from myself. I need help & I don't know where to find it. Brette didn't call back... She helps... I can be myself with her & just cling to her for advice & sometimes we can cry together if only she'd just call.
I can't handle this... I can't do this... I can't survive this....
This is me at nearly 72 hours after your death, Fox.
This is me loving you
This is me needing you
This is me mourning you
This is me remembering you
This is me starting to follow you |
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| it was only one hour ago... |
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| 08:31pm 24/02/2006 |
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mood: sad
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or so it seems like time has just stopped moving since I lost him. I sit here & find myself just staring at things or studying things to the extreme trying to find the details that I know he'd remember. The color of things... Their texture... Their defining flaws.
Outside it smells like smoke... Smoke & rain & the wind touches me differently then it ever has before. It's like the elements are just changing now that I'm broken down & striving to see him again.
I had a dream last night about two horses. One was Jezebel & the other was only visible when lightning flashed so I didn't see much of them. I woke up after it, I'm sure there's more to it then that, but I'm just out of it beyond anything so I can't even begin to describe things. I can feel myself dying. I'm a lot weaker then I was prior to his death... I'm not the same anymore. I never will be. The fire is gone... I don't think it'll ever return because Fox was the one with the lighter & he made me burn bright with how loving he was.
So many people accused me of making him up as some sort of ficticious character... I hate those people even more now. How the fuck can people begin to assume something? How the fuck can people use something like that to burn another? I hate the human race...
Today I'm even more alone. Today I'm having less & less contact with people. Today no body cares.
Today I love him. Today I need him & can't have him. Today I miss him.
Today I'm even more broken, past the word shattered, moving on to the word demolished. |
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| 03:45am 24/02/2006 |
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mood: sad
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48 hours & I'm completely lost. The compassionate hugs & loving responses from yesterday are gone & people are already forgetting about him. People are already starting to leave me again as if I'd be just fine when they decided to show me that they really didn't care.
I expressed how I no longer believe in a God that's gracious in any way... I said that whatever higher being is up there is a rotten son of a bitch who's greedy & sadistic... I got hung up on.... Just goes to show you that the only person that really cared or really stayed with me for the entirty of my memorable life is gone & the rest of them are too caught up in themselves to take me under their wing when they know how broken I am.
Except for Kit, Riley, & Brette... Maybe Kelda & Sammy but I haven't been able to talk to Sammy lately & Kelda seems to be slipping into the "poor thing, there's nothing I can do, no answer I can give." phase because she can't console me in deep ways that will bring me to the surface. I think she's afraid of what I've become.... She's so used to seeing me flaunt Queen-like power & attitude with the wave of a wrist or the lilt in my voice - it's all gone now, nothing but tears & bitter sorrow, you know? Kelda's a happy person, always jubilant & bubbly. You can't keep a good dog down, & Kelda's a good dog. A very good dog. I'm glad she's able to sound perky & gleeful.... It comforts me in some ways & that's why I call her or have her call me... It's a way of soothing my tired soul. Fuck me... Since when was I the deep one?!
I haven't been able to talk to Brette, I know she's grieving but she's someone that I desperately need to cling to & touch bases with because without her I'm nothing... I'm just dust in the wind because she showed me the way past so much hurt many years ago. She's always been there even when she herself was dying inside... I don't know this newfound loneliness... & I hate it. She holds so many answers to questions I have about him. She holds reason & logic & tears & grief & suffering that I can only begin to grasp myself. She knows me like a sister would know me... I love her for it even if I have been such a wretched bitch in the past to her, doubting her, holding her in contempt for absolute bullshit. I need you, chica... I really need you.
Riley cried tonight... Said he felt dumb because he didn't know what to do or how to make things better... I just told him that him loving me was enough to keep me going. He's disappeared in the past, gotten mad & called me the names that Fox never did... But Riley is a good man with a good heart & a soul that I envy. I wish I could be strong like him & hold my head up high even i nthe face of so much pain... I don't know what to do or where to begin... I start down one path & I just wind up flat on my ass when another wall comes up or something startles me & reminds me of him in ways that normal people... People who didn't know him like I know him... would never understand or even begin to comprehend. I miss him. I love him. I need him back with me. He's been stolen from so many people that he saved.... ALl he ever wanted to do was protect us from harm... & I admit at times even I resented his interference... but now? now I only wish that he knew how really grateful I am for everything he's ever done. I love him as a brother, as a best friend.... As a hero.
Kit's broken. She's hollow like me. I can tell.... She went to sleep earlier on tonight after taking some medication that Riley gave her. I pity her, but then again I pity myself too & I know she pities me as well. She's still got some spark left in her eyes, she can still move gracefully despite everything.... I've lost my grace, I've lost my spark. I'm hollow & empty & ugly. He made me beautiful, he inspired me in so many ways & now my muse is completely gone. I can't even begin to start the scultpure I was going to make in his memory... It doesn't start right, doesn't look right... Falls to pieces because I can't stop crying as I sit there on my cold hardwood living room floor infront of the TV & the wagon wheel coffee table desperately trying to get a grip on myself.
I'm so bitterly reminded of the story of Cupid & Psyche.... Only I can't ever see Fox coming back & he didn't leave just because his wife snuck up & looked upon his handsome face one night. He died for reasons so completely tragic & corrupt in so many ways.
But this is me at 48 hours...
Still loving you...
Still grieving you...
Still needing you...
& falling apart....
... I'm dying without you... I'm only here still because I can't die naturally & maybe there really is a Heaven & a Hell & if I take my own life I'll never see you again... Oh Fox... I love you... I miss you so so much... I know you're here all around me but I need to be able to touch you & talk to you & see you.... Come back to me somehow... PLEASE!
sister to brother, yours in life & death |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 03:00am 24/02/2006 |
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mood: restless
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Brette... I need to talk to you. I'm coming undone at the seems & you've been my best friend for so many years... I don't know how to begin or where to get started with any of this. It's like I start out on one pathg & then I'm thrown back towards another & now I'm ruined. I'm so confused & you're the only person who can help me with the answers I need to so many questions. I can't understand anything other then what you provide with your memories of him.
Help me. Please. |
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| 12:36am 23/02/2006 |
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mood:  listless music: I Grieve - Peter Gabriel
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It's been just shy of 24 hours since Fox passed away... 5 hours from now will have been the last time he drew a breath... I'm broken. I spent a lot of time crying today, a lot of time laying there staring at the walls, the windows, the ceiling... I spent hours searching for him on the beach thinking this was all some sick joke & he'd be there. I can't stand silence. I need human interraction & am just going crazy alone. I don't trust myself alone & in complete silence.
I talked to Brette today... She knows where I'm at, she knows just how ill I am. She's been crying with me & dying inside with me... She's just as broken as I am over all of this, but she tends to isolate herself when she's upset... I do too, but right now I just need a voice on the other end of the phone or an IM ring noise or something to keep me together while I go through my day to day struggle.
Kit's dying inside... I can hear it in her voice & see it in how she types. I think she's forgoing food like I am... Sleep too. I keep waking up listening for him as if he'd come home or something.
I can't believe the amount of E-Mails, IMs, & phone calls I've gotten today. I can't believe how many people Fox touched & saved with his patient nature. No one wanted him to die, not even Fox wanted to die... It was just too sudden... It just happened so fast without any real preparation time...
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DIE! You were supposed to be here forever...
Tomorrow I'm going to take Jezebel out... Work her a little bit since I didn't go today & Linda's been working her more then I have. Fox wanted to see Jeze & I go to APHA Worlds... I swear it here that we'll not only go, we'll win. There's nothing like crying into a horse's neck... or holding a dog when you're really really sad... Mitzie & Cricket came & actually lay down with me instead of being hyperactive nuts. Ogou just... He's not himself... At all.... He loved Fox with all of his heart. Fox is the one who really gave me the inspiration to go out there & not be afraid to show myself off. I even think Bliss has been impacted... This has hit my version of Noah's Ark like a hurricane. A big hurricane.... One that made Katrina look like child's play & I don't think I'll ever recover from the blow.
I'm telling the world right now that I'll never not wear black again. I'll never not wear the necklace he gave me, I'll never not keep him close to me in any way I can. I'll mourn him for the rest of my life...
I've put my fairy aside.... I've started working on a new piece to be dedicated to him... It's just going to be very rough for awhile... Very rough. This piece will not be for sale, but will be given as a gift to Fox's most cherished loved ones in a limited edition mold.
Kit
Brette
Samantha
Kelda
Alex and Ryoan
Will be the owners of the only molds of this scultpure. The original will be placed at Fox's Montana home.
I still.... Don't know where to start or how to begin picking up the pieces.... I'm just.... gone. I don't know who I am anymore... I miss him... I love him...
Goodbye is not forever, my angel.... It's not forever... |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 06:45am 22/02/2006 |
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mood: numb
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He's gone..... Fox passed away about an hour ago... & I'm numb.... I don't kow where to begin or who to call or who to look for because I have no one left to call or to look for. I'm bitter, & I'm cold, & I'm rotten, & I've destroyed my own life by continuing to be such a bitch.... & now the one person who really cared - the one person who stayed by my side & refused to let me drown - is gone. I can't sleep... I can't eat... I go from sheer apathy to blinding tears...
The weather fits the mood... It's nothing but fog out there.... Thick... Depressing... Fog...
This is my abyss & in it I am drowning.... |
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| FWEE!!! |
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| 04:56am 21/02/2006 |
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mood: crushed
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Seany boy has joined LJ so we can stalk him & observe his strange behaviors. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This makes mesa vedy vedy happy. Now I am surrounded by some very fucking strange people indeed!
I talked to Kelda tonight for about an hour on the phone. She was giggling at my apathy while I was channel surfing & finally decided to watch Free Willy 3 It was really pretty funny combined with some of my comments, obviously. I think she finally gets the hint that I'm a barrel of fucking laughs unless I'm ragging on her. Seriously! People laugh when they hear me go off on others but the moment the gun's turned on them they're not laughing.... Except my mom... She still laughs when I insult her. It's really pretty sick how that woman can absorb my insults & find them funny even though they're being flung at her & that damned woman.... When she laughs, I start laughing & then we go get food. No wonder I'm so damned fat!
But blah I'm tired. It's early in the morning so now I'm just going to crash back to bed. Took my shower... Happy happy squeaky clean!
OH OH OH!!! I GET MY BRACES OFF TODAY!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1ONE |
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| ...I got hos in different area codes... |
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| 01:22am 15/02/2006 |
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... & countries!
Kelda & Sammy called tonight. FUCK YES! LOVE MY BITCHES! +hugs em both+
It's so cool to be able to talk to me beloved Aussie sister from another mother! I swear I love her dearly. LOVE the Sammy with all my black little heart.
& then of course I love my Kelda. My Kelda's the bestest Kelda! She's the most superb Tennesseeian!!!!
... who LIKES Robotussin.... weirdo.... |
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| 11:10pm 14/02/2006 |
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your days are NUMBERED
& that's not a threat.
it's common knowledge.
people like you magically just contract diseases, get his by busses, choke on pretzels.....
:) |
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paintedkaffe's journal